Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
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