mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
