I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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