dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
