That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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