I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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