I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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