I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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