my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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