Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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