I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
