he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
