I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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