for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
