just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
