If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
