my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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