I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
