We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
