so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
home. puking in laundry basket.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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