At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize