I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
