Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
