On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
They have beer where we have blood.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
