my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
