i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just pynch a tree in the face
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
