Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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