if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
