What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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