I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
