The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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