I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
