so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
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