all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
