Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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