You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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