you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
