He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
