tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
