Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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