I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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