Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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