and you said cock pushups were impossible
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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