Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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