we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
you win again, gameday.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
