So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
