Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize