I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize