I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
