I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
