I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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