He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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