Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize