I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
