Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
foreskin is a definite game changer
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Let's get the cat blown out
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
