You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
