i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
A bitchslap is in order.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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