official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
